When a relationship is in crisis, sometimes our first instinct is to cling to our partner; however, giving each other a little space can go a much. It's more of a request for someone to give them space or more room to see other people, explore Do you want to learn more about a current relationship?. There are several phrases that, when uttered in a relationship, can make your blood run cold. Of course there's the whole breakup bomb, and the cheating bomb. If a partner is asking for time away for an extended period of time to the space for activity, socialization, and activities that lead to meaning.
I had a suspicion that something was off, so I did the classic phone search move and found sexts and naked photos of a woman. I remember sobbing uncontrollably. At the time, the only plan my mind could put together was to end the relationship. My friends encouraged me to leave, and soon I became the innocent victim who was cheated on by a bad guy. I have to say in retrospect that my reaction was hypocritical.
I texted this friend a lot. It turns out that I was an unhappy partner as well. Would you say that I cheated too? The following is a collection of research and interviews with experts on the topic of infidelity and how to deal with it when it happens in your relationship. What Qualifies as Infidelity?
- Cheating, and How Modern Relationships Successfully Navigate the Fallout
Is sexting or watching porn cheating? Or does it take a physical act? How about getting emotionally involved with someone at work or with an old friend?
How a Little Space and Time Can Help Heal a Relationship Crisis
Infidelity thresholds are personal and depend on your upbringing, your values, and your agreement with your partner. Perel says there are three common threads for infidelity: Having said that, the emotional reaction of the person who has been cheated on is universal: Betrayal is one of the most painful human experiences—it uproots what you perceive as truth and reality, which could bring up old wounds and heartbreaks. It breaks trust, the glue of any partnership.
Whether you have been cheated on, have cheated on someone, or both, infidelity remains one of the biggest taboos in our society.
Cheating, and How Modern Relationships Successfully Navigate the Fallout
In a Gallup poll, 91 percent of Americans surveyed said that having an affair is one of the most immoral things you can do. Perel says estimates of infidelity range from 26 to 75 percent.
No group-living nonhuman primate is monogamous, and adultery has been documented in every human culture studied — including those in which fornicators are routinely stoned to death. Perel argues that, historically: As long as each person did what she or he was supposed to do, it was a good marriage. He provides for us. She knows her place.
The consequences for straying only applied to women, and they were dire. Men, on the other hand, were entitled, even expected, to roam.
However, with marriages and relationships becoming more centered around love and romance, and more women gaining their independence both financially and legally, we seem to have spent not enough time understanding infidelity in this new context. Instead, we became more extreme in how we view it. When we shame a topic, just like when we shame a person, we limit its ability to evolve, grow, and transform. As scholar and writer, Brenee Brownsays: If we were to remove the shame, we might get real answers.
Does cheating on someone make us a bad person? But if dig deeper, we will find that infidelity comes from typically human places such as fear and desire. Here are the main reasons people cheat: Avoidance normally happens when an individual suffered abandonment in childhood and now fears intimacy by staying away from it. The scenario of a man preferring to sleep with other women than his partner illustrates a crucial yet heretofore understudied factor that gives rise to infidelity: Incidentally, it could be our fear of intimacy that drives us to seek intimate relationships outside our partnership.
Arguably, the desire for safety and the desire for passion are at odds—they both affect different parts of the brain. In some cases, infidelity ends up begging the question of if you should open the relationship. Unreasonable Expectations When we expect our partner to be our intellectual equal, lover, best friend, and co-parent, we are setting the bar too high for any human, and they are likely to fail us.
When we feel that our partner could not bring us the best sex of our lives after five years together, we might look elsewhere. Entitlement We have never been more inclined to stray, and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel we are entitled to pursue our desires…Because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy.
But when you take the community into account, you are more likely to think twice about straying. I honestly thought that if it had become so bad that we had to separate, that we would not ever reconcile our problems.
To my surprise, it was the act of letting go that allowed us both some space to re-evaluate our relationship, and helped us to finally realize that none of our disagreements were worth losing our family for. It was ugly and dark and messy. But it was this very darkness that forced us to focus on our own thoughts and actions rather than our external conflict with each other.
For me, the process of grieving the loss of what we had in our relationship shone a light on all of the things I had done to contribute to us falling apart.
At first, this was in an angry and disparaging way, but as I realized I had to start looking after myself in order to move forward, I saw the need to own my own part in what had happened, without negative judgement. Realizing what I had done wrong was empowering. It gave me the opportunity to approach my partner in a new way.
How a Little Space and Time Can Help Heal a Relationship Crisis
And it was clear from his response that he had been doing some very similar soul searching in the time he spent on his own. When we started to reconnect, we came from a place of understanding and love, rather than resentment and hurt. As you can imagine, this drastically changed our interactions.
And rather than spiraling into our past negative cycle, we were able to create new positive experiences to share. Even now, this mindset is one that requires conscious effort to maintain.