How To Avoid Making The Same Relationship Mistakes Over And Over Again | HuffPost Life
Seeking someone who is kind and patient, independent yet loving, laid back, yet energetic. Someone who is confident, but isn't afraid to laugh at him- or herself. It's not uncommon for people who are divorced or breaking up with a partner to find themselves attracted to the same or similar types of people. It's because their own issues don't change from relationship to relationship, and they are in those relationships entirely on account of those.
If we find ourselves on the other side of this scenario, feeling trapped or clung to by our partner, we may want to consider how much we were intruded on as kids.
Why You Keep Winding Up in the Same Relationship - PsychAlive
Did we have a parent or caretaker who was overbearing and imposed on us for attention or reassurance? Are we now reacting or overreacting to our partner, because he or she is looking to us for similar qualities? While we aim to find partners who complement us in a positive way, we often wind up finding people whose opposing traits can rouse negative dynamics between us. For example, how many couples do we know, where one person does the talking, and the other stays quiet?
While one person tells the stories and attracts attention, the other acts as a listener and falls into the background. A married man I know once told me a story about how he and his wife had mutually acknowledged that in the course of their relationship, he had become very passive and she very controlling. He refused to make any decisions, and she insisted on making all decisions.
As an exercise, they decided that for a week he would make every decision, and she would go along with it. The very first night, they got in the car to go out to dinner, and as soon as they got to the driveway, the husband hit the brakes and the car came to halt.
He found himself literally paralyzed, as he waited for his wife to tell him which way to turn. Instances like these are indicative of a larger problem for couples. Her husband felt victimized by her demanding patterns, but refused to voice his opinions. Even when we choose partners who complement us positively, we run the risk of eventually distorting them or provoking them to become someone who we are less compatible with.
This is often not the case when we first get involved with someone. In the beginning of a relationship, we naturally step out of our comfort zones, forcing ourselves outside our own heads and into an interaction with someone unfamiliar. The scenario of getting to know a stranger forces us to push ourselves, to be our best selves, and to treat the other person with respect and interest. We start to feel more vulnerable, and influences from our past start to seep in.
We must be wary in this stage of how we can distort our partners.
- How To Avoid Making The Same Relationship Mistakes Over And Over Again
We may start to insert hidden meaning into their words that suit a way we feel about ourselves. We may start to project qualities onto them or exaggerate characteristics they possess.Relationships: One Month Vs. One Year
He thought it would be nice to have time at home alone with her. She instantly interpreted his resistance as a rejection.
What she came to realize in the course of our conversation was that, while her husband did have trouble committing to certain plans, he had every intention and desire to spend the entire weekend with her, a reality that clearly contradicted her assumption that he was rejecting her. In addition, to distorting our partners, we sometimes provoke them into giving us a certain response. For example, my friend who wanted to go on a weekend getaway recognized that, although her husband prefers to live more spontaneously and not spend too much time on practicalities, she would often insist on talking to him about travel plans, home renovations and financial matters well in advance of when was necessary.
Each woman has done the same thing after we take our vows—develop a mental illness, neglect themselves physically, and abuse me emotionally.
How to Avoid Making The Same Relationship Mistakes Over And Over Again
After my own divorce, I was ambivalent about entering into another relationship. My ambivalence, like many others, was grounded in fear of failure. We both believe that while failure is inherent and an integral part of growthit does not have to signal defeat. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, failure is often the catalyst where individuals shed the old to forge a new, improved life where healthy and productive relationships begin.
Engage in vigorous self-examination. For example, a man with a history of a cheating girlfriends may be triggered when his current girlfriend becomes friendly with a male co-worker.
His behavior—snooping through her phone, following her secretly, accusing her of wrongdoing without provocation—may create the very estrangement that he feared. Unknowingly, he chips away at the foundation of his relationship due to past, unhealed hurts. Take a long, hard look at your behavior and how it affected your partner.
Be courageous--admit your mistakes and work diligently to improve upon them. Only then do you have a real chance at success. Replace assumptions with communication. No one is born with an inherent understanding of how to communicate in an intimate relationship. Effective communication is a discipline—much like exercise and meditation--that must be practiced and improved upon daily.
4 Ways to Stop Repeating the Same Mistakes In Relationships
For example, a wife will want to talk to her husband about a problem. In reality, he may be processing his own thoughts from the day.
Take big risks in favor of stronger communication.